Does Theatre Turn You On?

People like to do things that get them laid.  There is nothing worth doing whose end result is not (possibly) the promise of sex.  If the reward for something is sweaty, shameful, exciting bedroom, or taxi cab, gymnastics, then odds are that something will have a place of high regard in the hearts of the public for a long time.

When is the last time theatre got you laid?  When is the last time that the woman you took to the theatre could not wait to get out of her dress and into your pants?  When is the last time you felt capable of an erection after sitting through a play?

Theatre, like all art, should turn us on.  The stories, the passions, the emotions should have us vibrating on a higher level than in our normal lives.  Even serious dramas should leave us feeling like we have just survived a bank robbery at the business end of a shotgun – adrenaline pumping at abnormal levels that make us go home and screw our wives as if we could all be dead tomorrow.

Even if sex is not on the table, the conversations afterwards should be just as passionate and inspired.  Too often these discussions are about disappointments: the lack of creativity, the cost of the ticket, the flatness of the performers.  Nothing is a bigger mood-killer than a tease.

That’s what many theatre productions have become – a tease.  When a good script is produced, there is always the promise of something sexy and inspired.  The cast is named and we think, ‘Oh, what X can do in that role…’  The director is a master, someone whose previous work you admired.  And at the end of the play, after the $100 ticket, the dinner beforehand, you feel as impotent as Bob Dole before Viagra, and the drinks at the end of the night are to forget the evening.

What went wrong?  Is it you?  Was it the play?  What about it?

There are so many reasons from the choice of script through the whole production process that the play did not turn you on.  And sometimes, let’s face it, it just doesn’t happen.  The problem is that is just isn’t happening more and more and no one seems to be stepping up like they did for septuagenarians and creating a little blue pill for theatre.

There is a wrong-headed opinion out there that considering the audience in any way means to only see the bottom line and to pander to the lowest common denominator.  Theatres need to consider their audiences more – seriously consider them as part of the production, not solely as a revenue stream.  Any theatre that makes it a priority to get their audience laid after seeing a production is guaranteed to create a following.